When you experience a tragic circumstance in your life, whether it's a mis-carriage, the loss of a family member, a debilitating accident, or fighting a physical disease, you quickly realize you have a family you never knew existed...
others who have walked the same path you find yourself walking and who know exactly what to do or say.
Then, there are others who intend to be comforting, but inadvertently (I hope), make you feel worse.
I've compiled two lists:
one of very cool things people did for me in trying to empathize with my situation and another of not-so-cool, trite remarks that might be offered in a well-meaning effort to comfort a hurting individual.
These comments and ideas are pulled from my personal experience through grief, as well as ideas I've gathered from conversations with others who were grieving.
It's not a die-hard list of do's and don'ts, but rather, some general guidelines that can be useful should you find yourself trying to empathize with a grieving friend or acquaintance.
Not-So-Cool
"Things will get back to normal soon."
When you lose a loved one, life is divided into a weird fissure with before on one side and after on the other. Normal as you knew it will not be coming back. It is up to the family left behind to find equilibrium...to redefine how their lives will look from that moment on without the presence of a missing personality that has been intrinsically woven into the fabric of their existence. Making this kind of comment, no matter how consoling you mean to be, is like telling an amputee that their life without a leg will eventually be the same as it was before the amputation. It doesn't happen. Yes, stable ground can eventually be found. Yes, with therapy and exercise they may eventually have a completely functional, healthy life. But it will never be the same as their old normal. It will be normal in a new, redefined way.
"It must have been God's will."
If you're speaking to a Christian, this comment may seem like a beautiful option...however, it really isn't helpful. We can usually accept that bad things happen to good people, even in the light of tragic circumstances, and yet, knowing that God allows these things to happen does not erase the sorrow that must be born in the face of tragedy. Job knew that God allowed his suffering, yet that didn't erase the grief he felt at losing all his children and material goods. A grieving person faces many frightful and difficult days and while being aware that God is in control, she is also aware that, while the death of Christ was also God's will, it did not make it less painful for Christ to endure.
"I know exactly how you feel."
This is untrue and assumptive. How could you possibly know exactly how someone feels? Even now, when I find myself at a funeral, people will say to me, "Well, you've dealt with this. You know how it feels." But I don't. I've never lost a mother or sister or child. I don't know what that pain feels like. Yes, I know the pain of loss, but each relationship is so dynamic, so unique...I never try to say, "I know how you feel." Even having walked through the death of a loved one, I still find myself tongue-tied at funerals and generally opt to hold the person while saying nothing at all, allowing them the permission to cry on my shoulder. Occasionally, I've remarked to an individual, "Lots of love equals lots of pain." It seems to be enough--the acknowledgement that those we love leave the biggest holes in our lives.
"Why are you crying? It's been two years!
There is no expiration date on grief. Time can dull the ache, but there are days when a person can be overwhelmed by the loss of what once was. Not long after my brother died, a woman who'd lost her daughter told my family, "It's been 13 years since my daughter died, but I still get overwhelmed at the loss of the possibilities her life carried." Redefining normal is a fluid process. A person won't magically wake up one day and declare, "Well, I'm so glad that's over. I've dealt with that horrible event and now I can move on." It is a process...the search for stable ground, an adventure. Allow a grieving person the ups and downs of the ride.
"Things will get back to normal soon."
When you lose a loved one, life is divided into a weird fissure with before on one side and after on the other. Normal as you knew it will not be coming back. It is up to the family left behind to find equilibrium...to redefine how their lives will look from that moment on without the presence of a missing personality that has been intrinsically woven into the fabric of their existence. Making this kind of comment, no matter how consoling you mean to be, is like telling an amputee that their life without a leg will eventually be the same as it was before the amputation. It doesn't happen. Yes, stable ground can eventually be found. Yes, with therapy and exercise they may eventually have a completely functional, healthy life. But it will never be the same as their old normal. It will be normal in a new, redefined way.
"It must have been God's will."
If you're speaking to a Christian, this comment may seem like a beautiful option...however, it really isn't helpful. We can usually accept that bad things happen to good people, even in the light of tragic circumstances, and yet, knowing that God allows these things to happen does not erase the sorrow that must be born in the face of tragedy. Job knew that God allowed his suffering, yet that didn't erase the grief he felt at losing all his children and material goods. A grieving person faces many frightful and difficult days and while being aware that God is in control, she is also aware that, while the death of Christ was also God's will, it did not make it less painful for Christ to endure.
"I know exactly how you feel."
This is untrue and assumptive. How could you possibly know exactly how someone feels? Even now, when I find myself at a funeral, people will say to me, "Well, you've dealt with this. You know how it feels." But I don't. I've never lost a mother or sister or child. I don't know what that pain feels like. Yes, I know the pain of loss, but each relationship is so dynamic, so unique...I never try to say, "I know how you feel." Even having walked through the death of a loved one, I still find myself tongue-tied at funerals and generally opt to hold the person while saying nothing at all, allowing them the permission to cry on my shoulder. Occasionally, I've remarked to an individual, "Lots of love equals lots of pain." It seems to be enough--the acknowledgement that those we love leave the biggest holes in our lives.
"Why are you crying? It's been two years!
There is no expiration date on grief. Time can dull the ache, but there are days when a person can be overwhelmed by the loss of what once was. Not long after my brother died, a woman who'd lost her daughter told my family, "It's been 13 years since my daughter died, but I still get overwhelmed at the loss of the possibilities her life carried." Redefining normal is a fluid process. A person won't magically wake up one day and declare, "Well, I'm so glad that's over. I've dealt with that horrible event and now I can move on." It is a process...the search for stable ground, an adventure. Allow a grieving person the ups and downs of the ride.
Very Cool
Send Flowers After the Funeral.
Most people will send a bouquet to the viewing or funeral (which is great), but the most difficult days a grieving person must face are the days and weeks following the funeral itself. Especially that first year, holidays and birthdays are rough times. Bring flowers to the widow on Valentine's Day. Give a gift to the grieving mother on the day of her deceased daughter's birthday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are awesome times for you to buy a Thinking of You card. Write down the day of a person's death and send cards or flowers to the grieving family on that day. It lets them know that you remember a date that is forever branded into their minds and hearts and sets you apart as a beautiful sympathizer.
Ask "What do you miss about (your father) today?"
This question is a gift. It is you giving a grieving individual permission to talk about their loved one, and more, it's you saying that you want to hear about them. You'd be surprised how cathartic this can be to someone who is afraid to initiate talking about their departed loved one. The other thing that's cool is to simply tell a person what you miss about their relative or friend.
Give Hugs
A woman who has just mis-carried yet another child will love to be held. If you have never lost a child this way, it might be unexplainable to you how a woman can love a child they have never met with such fierce intensity. But you don't have to be able to say, "I've lost a child, too," to show your support. Remember, individuals who have lost a child or loved one or friend still carry all this love in their hearts for a person who is no longer there to receive it and hugging you back might be just the thing they need. I think the biggest mistake made by people trying to comfort someone is to assume they have to say anything at all. A hug is awesome and better than cheesy remarks.
Let Them Cry
If you do reach out to someone with a hug or a gift and they start to cry, LET THEM. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to be uncomfortable. Take it as a compliment. Just hand them a tissue and cry with them if you want. Give them permission to be broken and to exercise that grief. As a general rule, it is difficult for grieving people to let their guards down and get emotional in front of someone. If they feel this comfortable with you, take note of what you did for them and repeat it again in a few months or with another grieving person.
Give the Gift of Yourself
Grief makes people feel extremely vulnerable. They feel the world is flying past them, while they're stuck in this place where all the rules have changed. If you were particularly close to the deceased person, tell the remaining family members. Write a poem (if that's your thing) or print out a letter on pretty stationery listing all the things you loved about their loved one, frame it, and give it as a gift to them. It means more than you can ever know to a grieving person to have someone else make themselves as vulnerable as they feel.
Give a Blank Journal
At my brother's funeral, someone handed me a journal and said, "Write down everything you remember about Nathaniel...every funny thing he did or said. Everything that made him special to you. You think you'll remember forever, but time erases even the best memories." It was so liberating to write things in that journal that I couldn't bring myself to communicate even to my parents. My journal was full of memories written down about someone too special to be forgotten and when I was doing research for this book, it became an invaluable resource, because as I read back through it, I was shocked at all the things I'd forgotten about my brother.
Send A Card Every Month
Obviously, this takes a bit of forethought and effort, but remember, your friend is dealing with the effort of trying to get through each day without breaking down in a hysteric mess. It can be the 49-cent cards...it doesn't have to break your bank account. My friend, Holly Emmorey, sent me a card every month for a year, and I cried each time at the thought that anyone else remembered Nathaniel with any kind of regularity. She didn't write a lot of words, just a Scripture or quick thought, but she didn't have to...the fact that she thought to put a stamp on a card with my address on it said enough. One of the greatest pains in grieving is the realization that the rest of the world can move on while you're left dealing with the missing piece in the puzzle of your life. Having someone choose to stick with you when they could move on is an astounding gift.
Say the Name of a Lost Loved One
If you've never lost someone, I'm sure this might sound ridiculous to you...but after my brother died, I found that people were afraid to say his name, as if the mere mention of it might cause me to break down. This might be true for some people and actually, breaking down might be just what a grieving person needs (of course, every personality will react differently). But my family's greatest fear was that no one would mention Nathaniel's name again. In our "get-over-it" culture, some grieving people might be hesitant to mention their loved one's name in conversation for fear of being accused of using their grief to "get attention" or "draw out a tragedy". In conversation with other people who have experienced horrific circumstances, I realized that for most people, it is extremely cathartic to talk about a loved one in normal conversation. Don't be afraid to bring up a name. If it is truly disturbing, you will quickly pick up on the discomfort, but I would rather err on the other side, until I know for sure that a person just doesn't want to talk about the situation.
Give a Gift
Get the coffee lover a gift-card to Starbucks. Tell the woman who just lost her mother that you'll provide a meal one day, or a father that you'll baby-sit so he can take his wife out to eat one evening. Have a grieving family in your home for a meal on the day of the week the tragedy occurred. My brother died on a Friday evening, and my family found we just could not sit down at the table with his empty chair on Friday evenings. Some friends picked up on this and asked us out-to-eat, which turned a sad evening of crying together into a time of fellowship with other people.
Be Honest
If you can't think of anything to say to a grieving friend at the funeral or viewing, it's better not to say anything at all. Or be honest and tell them, "I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say." That's so much easier to hear than, "You'll get over this". People instinctively realize they have no option but to walk through the days ahead, and hearing that statement cheapens and minimizes the heavy journey they know they must face.
Be Realistic in Your Expectations
Tragedy is usually life-altering. It's not realistic to expect your friend to bounce back from heavy circumstances. It can be a long, hard process and even if they're emotionally healthy, they will feel the weight of the loss in a profound way. I was a teenager when tragic circumstances came to me and my personality was completely altered from being the exuberant girl I'd been before my brother's death. I no longer cared about anything except surviving...being giddy and frivolous for the fun of it had fallen completely off my radar, and the people who refused to imagine themselves in my position labeled me moody and unstable. Of course, I was moody and unstable, but some people understood it was a mask for a deeper pain and others walked away in disgust at their perception of what I'd become. Give your friend the time she needs to find stable ground again. When she comes through the dark tunnel at the other end, she'll remember you for being the bright light that you are.